Media Consumes Me

Something has gone horribly wrong.

Depending on what theory you subscribe too, either there is a critical glitch in the Matrix, or the Gods have begun their next step in an all encompassing, Trojan War style conspiracy against us.  Either way, we’re all in a very real and grave danger.

Allow me to begin this with a very simple question: out of the resulting trilogy that the Mission Impossible reboot resulted in… which was the worst? Which made you want to scoop out your eyes with a sharp, wide brimmed table- spoon? Or consider slitting your wrists with the shattered fragments of a broken DVD case?

I’m betting that you answered the second. The criminal pairing of John “Dove Shot” Woo with Tom “I’m Too Crazy for Scientology” Cruise. Which resulted in 123-minutes of mind warping, ramped camera focusing nonsense from which there was no discernible escape. Save the above mentioned death or blindness.

So why, I must ask, are these two teaming up again, as has been recently reported? Why isn’t Woo sticking with Red Cliff style period pieces (for which his “style” seems perfect), and Tom with jogging through the park with his kidnapped wife and adopted son? Because, it would seem, the writer of Valkyrie- Christopher McQuarrie- has inspired them to do otherwise.

Now Valkyrie wasn’t bad. Not that it was all that good either, but Cruise definitely seemed to channel his madness in a decent direction for the project, and the whole came together much better than I (or anyone really) expected. But why in God’s name is John Woo the next logical answer in terms of directing? Why jump back to Mr. Broken Arrow and his slow, supposedly purposeful shots of beautifully trimmed guns firing spinning bullets in slow motion?

I guess Cruise and Woo have formed some kind of friendship. A relationship that defies all logic and consequently forces us to abandon all hope. Like Scarlet Johansson marrying Ryan Reynolds.

The theater, once again, is World War II… which we’ve unfortunately seen Woo tackle before in his silly, Nicholas Cage starring Wind Talkers. This time around, the story is going to center around the Flying Tigers. A group of volunteer pilots who teamed up with the Chinese Air Force to counter the intrepid Japanese. Who knows… maybe Tom Cruise in the cockpit once more will lend the project some promise. Even if it’s without Goose to back him up. Then again, maybe not.

Speaking of which, it seems somehow appropriate that Top Gun director Tony Scott is in similar straits, having just signed on to direct a biopic of the chump who started Chippendales. Who knows how that’s going to end up.

We’ve seen a lot of good come our way from Hollywood in the last few months. These new projects on the horizon, however, seem like the price we’ll have to pay for them. Hopefully this Woo-Cruise reunion will turn out better then their last collaboration, or anything that they’ve separately done lately. But I most certainly wouldn’t count on it, and I would strongly advice you follow suit.