Depending on what theory you subscribe too, either there is a critical glitch in the Matrix, or the Gods have begun their next step in an all encompassing, Trojan War style conspiracy against us.  Either way, we’re all in a very real and grave danger.

Allow me to begin this with a very simple question: out of the resulting trilogy that the Mission Impossible reboot resulted in… which was the worst? Which made you want to scoop out your eyes with a sharp, wide brimmed table- spoon? Or consider slitting your wrists with the shattered fragments of a broken DVD case?

I’m betting that you answered the second. The criminal pairing of John “Dove Shot” Woo with Tom “I’m Too Crazy for Scientology” Cruise. Which resulted in 123-minutes of mind warping, ramped camera focusing nonsense from which there was no discernible escape. Save the above mentioned death or blindness.

So why, I must ask, are these two teaming up again, as has been recently reported? Why isn’t Woo sticking with Red Cliff style period pieces (for which his “style” seems perfect), and Tom with jogging through the park with his kidnapped wife and adopted son? Because, it would seem, the writer of Valkyrie- Christopher McQuarrie- has inspired them to do otherwise.

Now Valkyrie wasn’t bad. Not that it was all that good either, but Cruise definitely seemed to channel his madness in a decent direction for the project, and the whole came together much better than I (or anyone really) expected. But why in God’s name is John Woo the next logical answer in terms of directing? Why jump back to Mr. Broken Arrow and his slow, supposedly purposeful shots of beautifully trimmed guns firing spinning bullets in slow motion?

I guess Cruise and Woo have formed some kind of friendship. A relationship that defies all logic and consequently forces us to abandon all hope. Like Scarlet Johansson marrying Ryan Reynolds.

The theater, once again, is World War II… which we’ve unfortunately seen Woo tackle before in his silly, Nicholas Cage starring Wind Talkers. This time around, the story is going to center around the Flying Tigers. A group of volunteer pilots who teamed up with the Chinese Air Force to counter the intrepid Japanese. Who knows… maybe Tom Cruise in the cockpit once more will lend the project some promise. Even if it’s without Goose to back him up. Then again, maybe not.

Speaking of which, it seems somehow appropriate that Top Gun director Tony Scott is in similar straits, having just signed on to direct a biopic of the chump who started Chippendales. Who knows how that’s going to end up.

We’ve seen a lot of good come our way from Hollywood in the last few months. These new projects on the horizon, however, seem like the price we’ll have to pay for them. Hopefully this Woo-Cruise reunion will turn out better then their last collaboration, or anything that they’ve separately done lately. But I most certainly wouldn’t count on it, and I would strongly advice you follow suit.

“…the Devil” was first surprising because I could see in my DVR-guide info it was released in 2009, but the film is shot as a film would have been in the 70’s. The film brings back to life the slow zooms, camera pans, and the quick and sudden “Exorcist” style jump cuts to ugly, horrible figures. At first I wondered if it had been shot and produced 30 years ago, and that this was a re-mastered release, or maybe even a discovery of a long forgot scary movie. I could almost feel the ghosts from the distant past surfacing in my psyche like Hitchcock’s shadow in San Francisco!

The production team, director, (Ti West) and the art department pull off the style and nuances of the 70’s through great camera work, wardrobe & hairstyle, color schemes, and editing that really work together to produce a unique throwback film to the 70’s-  a time that gave rise to some of the best occult indie and commercial horror film releases, such as:

• Rosemary’s Baby – though this was technically in the 60’s, in many ways it set the tone for the following decade )
• The Exorcist
• Don’t Look Now
• The Omen
• Audrey Rose
• Carrie
• Phantasm
• The Wicker Man
• The Amityville Horror
• Suspiria
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

“..the Devil’s” combines many aspects from these better known occult films, and mixes them all together in a homage. If you like the occult genre of horror, or feel particularly nostalgic about 70’s film, then I completely recommend finding a showing of “The House of the Devil” before the end of the weekend.

Have a Happy Halloween!

Creative budget adjustments have paved new, broken-stone ways to stretch and contort every dollar we make. The unemployment rate, as of September, was at a 26-year high and still moving towards darker depths. The Hubble has been repaired, Billy Mayes died and Shatner did Palin.

Bah, humbug Deez

But none of this really matters. They pale in comparison, as a matter of fact, to the subject which these words are inching towards. So funk the economy all together, and the assorted occurrences of the past nine months or so. Christmas is going to be beautiful this year, despite what we don’t find under our collective Christmas Trees. Because our greatest present? No, it isn’t the freakish looking, Jim Carrey plastered Christmas Carol. But something far more grand. Far more real.

Like glittering snow against a backdrop of Autumn leaves, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus will be arriving. Finally. The best present, two front teeth aside, we could possibly ask for. Prepare to be wowed, moved, and maybe even a little hoodwinked. In a good way. December 25th. Boom.

I’ve written about the movie’s details in a previous article (check it out), so I won’t burden you with them here. Instead, I’ll humbly ask that you watch the below trailer once again and revel in the induced excitement with me. Not to mention the dope ass Gilliam visuals. Or the fact that Tom Waits is collecting souls. I couldn’t imagine a better point on which to close out 2009. Could you?

Generally, I’d give a movie a few days to sink in before writing a review. But I was so blown away by Zombieland that I felt its awesomeness needed to be shared immediately before losing its luster.

Zombieland is unlike any movie I’ve seen in a long time. First of all, it’s more than a movie–it’s a flat-out experience in cinematic entertainment. Most zombie movies start out slow, pick up fairly quickly, drag a little while, and finally end on typically philosophical sad note. But Zombieland starts off like a punch to the face (or, in this case, a shotgun blast to the head) and continues with an hour and a half of insanely funny (yet gory) chaos. Sounds odd, but Zombieland makes it work.

The movie excels in many areas. Plenty of gore for my fellow blood-chugging, zombie-loving brethren and chills aplenty. But where the movie really got me was the characters.  As in Shaun of the Dead, they come off as real people. All the characters have flaws and losses and deal with them in a terrestrial manner.

The flaws and losses are just about the only serious note Zombieland has to offer. The movie had more funny moments than I can actually remember because I was too busy laughing at what just happened to notice what was happening. The movie also sported the best cameo EVER (no spoilers here!).

What’s more, the acting shocked me. Woody Harrelson was abso-freaking-lutely brilliant. I’ve never seen him so perfectly cast–he comes pretty damn close to stealing the show. Jesse Eisenberg is fantastic in his lead role Columbus, and I can definitely see this film giving his career a well deserved kick.

I cannot remember the last time I had a movie experience like this. I laughed so hard I think I’m sore from it (literally). If I had to give this movie a rating, it’d be 5 out of 5 chewed-up zombie brains. It’s a hit on its way to cult classic status. Definitely worth seeing in theaters for the whole group experience… so stop reading this, and go (now!), “You spunky little spitfucks!”

I didn’t write this article sooner because, quite frankly, the thought of doing so was too frightening. In fact, the thought of giving too much of my thought to Paranormal Activity is still cause for hesitation. Not because it was a bad movie – quite the opposite, in fact. The documentary-style film sets out to do one thing – scare the living daylights out of you – and does it extraordinarily well.

This is the movie that’s expected to be this year’s great success story. Shot with a budget of just $11,000, Paranormal Activity is not your typical suspense/horror film. There is no blood. There is no gore at all. You won’t find spinning beds or even girls coming out of televisions. What you will find, however, is a quality film.

Another name for this movie could have been 2 Actors, One Camera (ed- ok, I did it. I made the “2 Girls, One Cup” reference. So sue me. Every writer here has skirted the topic, playfully interjecting it into their articles only to remove it out of fear of “going too far.” Begone, foul apprehension!), because that’s exactly what you get. No more, no less. The most you see of the world outside of this haunted couple’s house is the driveway, revealed in the first 5 minutes, and the backyard about halfway through the movie. From the time you first meet Micah, be prepared for claustrophobia to set in.

And that’s really what this film is about: the growing tension between a couple feeling trapped in their own home manifested in the form of a demon. From Micah’s inability to take the plight of his girlfriend seriously to his insistence on making contact with the demon that is haunting her, his fate (one any man in at least a semi-serious relationship can relate to on some level) is spelled out for him from the beginning of the film.

But I digress. You’re not here to read about the story within the story. You’re here (most likely) to find out if this movie is really worth all the hype. And I’m here to tell you, most definitely, yes.

Horror-suspense films traditionally follow a pretty similar formula. Build the tension, then break the tension with a joke, then – while the audience is still laughing – scare the bejesus out of them. The “false start.” Paranormal Activity simultaneously has nothing but false starts and has no false starts. I know, that makes no sense.

The story is told from the perspective of Micah’s new, more-than-is-needed camera (who quickly becomes a character in its own right). You have your daytime footage, where the story between Micah and Katie unfolds. You will quickly come to call these scenes your “happy place.” As long as Micah is in control of the camera, you feel safe.

But once Micah puts that damn thing on a tripod, you’re looking for the exit. The story that plays out at night (get used to the view in the above image, because it makes up roughly 45% of the movie, and the scariest collective hour of your life to date), while the cast is sleeping, exists purely within the mind of the viewer. Did you hear that whisper? That door did not just close. Is that a shadow in the doorway? Oh shit, there are footprints. Bodies should not move like that! Why the hell is she just staring at him? If she looks at the camera right now, I will piss my pants. I’m just going to look at the clock in the bottom right corner because I don’t want to see what comes up the stairs. These are just some of the things you say to yourself during the night time shots. Some of the things overheard in the packed theatre I saw it in were “Oh no you don’t, Tamika (the woman in front of me’s name for Micah), don’t open that damn door!” “Oh, hell no. HELL NO!” and “Why did I do this to myself?” I overheard one person say on the way out, “I think I’m going to be sick.” And remember: there is absolutely not one drop of gore in this movie.

This film is worth every cent of the price of admission. Even more if you see it in a packed theater, just for the audience reactions alone. This is how suspense should be. And it should act as a source of inspiration and case study to every student film maker out there; an example of what can be done with next to no money when you put storytelling first. It will leave you spooked. It will make you afraid to go down the stairs. And, if you’re like me, it will make you afraid to cross your girlfriend.

Quentin Tarantino’s latest foray in film, Inglourious Basterds, is a highly entertaining thrill-ride that follows the crusades of a fictional OSS squad as they brutalize and terrorize Nazi soldiers in WWII France. The film doesn’t stop there, though, not by any means. The movie provides other running story lines, like fantastic exaggerated Nazi villains, and a healthy portion of Quentinesque dialogue.  By the end of the 2 hours and 32 minutes, I found myself nearly standing out of my seat, hysterical–no, insane–as the film’s heroes ruthlessly bring justice and revenge against the evil Third Reich. Now that I think about it, there was something very cathartic about the movie, but that may be because I’m losing my mind. See this movie. I highly recommend it.

The film at its core is pure exploitation. I can only speculate whether Tarantino will try to reinvent himself after the Kill Bill and Grindhouse hoorah–and now of course Inglourious.  I can see why the Cannes’ film festival may have been unimpressed to some degree with the movie (though the film was nominated for the Palme d’or). It certainly lacks the luster that Pulp Fiction once provided with its unconventional chronology and focus on grand, sweeping dialogue-driven scenes. At least at the time, Pulp Fiction was being itself, and not shamelessly pulling almost exclusively from Sergio Leone’s and other 70’s exploitation films. In Inglourious, Quentin relies on certain devices to help the story read well… literally. He divides it up into chapters, and at some points has the post-production team label elements and characters with a scribbly white text and arrow.  That being probably my least favorite aspect of the movie, I feel compelled to mention additionally that, yes: he’s used more Ennio Morricone music. Again. Overall though, this is a must-see that I can’t wait to sit through again.

One small side note: something else to see is the new Avatar trailer. Looks beautiful!

The film, somehow, didn’t get picked up immediately after it premiered at Cannes. The hows and whys are now irrelevant, however, as Sony is closing on a deal that will provide them distribution rights. According to Variety, we may by lucky enough to see Dr. Parnassus as early as this year. Let’s just hope the distribution isn’t too limited, as so many fear might be the case.

The story centers on the title character, Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), and his Imaginarium: a traveling show that offers its audience an opportunity to choose between joyful light and gloomy darkness. Despite the good Doctor’s many blessings, he houses one especially execrable secret: a pair of bets with the devil, known within the story as Mr. Nick (Tom Waits). The first bet provides him with immortality… an immortality which he later trades for his youth after meeting the lady of his dreams. Unfortunately, this second deal comes with the condition that his first-born will become the property of Mr. Nick on its 16th birthday.

When Parnassus’ daughter, Valentina (Lily Cole), finally hits her sweet 16th, that handsome devil comes to collect his literal dues. Always ready for another deal, however, Mr. Nick can’t resist negotiating another contract. The wager? The first to seduce five souls will be the one to claim Valentina. The Doctor then promises his daughter’s hand to whomever  helps him win the bet… and the race begins!

As the man attempting to lend the good Doctor (and his daughter) a hand, Heath Ledger steps in… the young actor’s last performance. Given that he passed away in the middle of shooting, the slack left in his role has been taken up by several actors. Apparently the character undergoes several transformations: from Heath to Johnny Depp, and later onto Jude Law then Colin Farrell. A plethora of pretty boys all playing a guy named Tony.

I hope you enjoy the trailer, as I certainly have. Pray that the release of this coming masterpiece is both immediate and wide-spread.

But Mr. Rockwell isn’t the only one to enter the fray. Scarlet Johansson (Lost in Translation, Vicky Christina Barcelona) will be playing Black Widow: the Russian Special Agent/Ballerina we all know and love. A fact that, no doubt, has a certain web crawler’s Spidey Sense tingling with jealousy. Scarlet’s involvement came after Emily Blunt- whom she initially lost out too- was unable to take the role due to contractual obligations to 20th Century Fox. While either of them would have fit Black Widow for varying reasons, lets just all be thankful that Eliza Dushku’s public pleading for the role fell on uninterested ears.

Micky Rourke (The Wrestler, Sin City) will be playing a fellow Ruskie: a Frankensteinian mash-up of Whiplash and The Crimson Dynamo, named after the former of the two. Which will probably work for the best considering just how similar The Crimson Dynamo was to Iron Monger, Iron Man’s nemesis in the last film.

And last, but certainly not least, Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda, Ocean’s 11) will be taking over the role of the eventual War Machine Jim Rhodes from Terrence Howard. Although, let’s hope that’s one metamorphosis we don’t have to sit through another movie eagerly anticipating. And it would seem Cheadle is here too stay, as he’ll be reprising the role in the upcoming Avenger’s movie as well.

As implied above, Jon Favreau (writer of Swingers) will continue directing, and it goes without saying that Robert Downey Jr. has no interest of leaving the slick confines of Tony Stark. Joining the writing team this time is Justin Theroux, the creator of Tropic Thunder, whom you might remember as the golf club wielding director in David Lynch’s Mulholland Dr.

So lets hope for the best. Although if the first movie’s success was any indication, we have little to worry about.

Like a heathen priest of old, Jeff Bridges appears on the mountain’s summit. Mickey Mouse stands just behind him with arms crossed, silently offering the aging actor Disney’s moral support. Jeff smiles down at the masses, ready. He takes in a long breath and shouts down his proclamation, his voice accompanied by another round of rolling thunder and the flashes of fork-lightning.

“The special effects god demands a sacrifice,” he shouts, his voice on the edge of hysteria. “Thus we offer Tron to the altar!”

Hopefully you’re appreciating the theatrics.

For the record, I’m as much a Tron fanboy as the next guy or girl. I’ve been eagerly chasing rumors of a sequel, in fact, since they first started circulating in the mid-90’s. In 2005, when Disney first reported that a sequel was actually in development… I was ecstatic. The elation carried over until 2008, post Comic-Con, when the teaser trailer that was showcased there drifted out into the wonderful tubes and turns of the internet.

But now, reality is sinking in. As good as the effects look, I can’t help but identify the pattern of potential Hollywood trash in what I see of the upcoming Tron Legacy’s development.

First things first, the screenwriting team has far too many cooks in the kitchen. And aside from the two Lost writers on the job, Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis (both of whom I’m fans of), there doesn’t seem to be any talent.  Add to that a virtually untried director: Joseph Kosinski. A man we all hope proves to be a Science Fiction mastermind, as he’s also directing the new Logan’s Run. Kosinksi’s commercials include the Gears of War ‘Mad World’ trailer, which admittedly wasn’t bad, and that over the top cinematic one that signaled Halo 3’s arrival.

As cinematographer, Claudio Miranda was tapped, who certainly did an excellent job for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hopefully his experience with that film’s tech-heavy shooting has prepared him for this challenge.

Jeff Bridges, as you’ve probably surmised from the above references, will be reprising his role of Kevin Flynn, and Garret Hedlund (formerly Achilles’ younger cousin, Patroclus, in 2004’s Troy) will be playing his son, Sam. Add to that John Hurt (narrator of Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, Dogville, and Manderlay), and House’s Olivia Wilde- and the cast might prove promising.

The premise, according to a Disney press release: “Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund), the tech-savvy 27-year-old son of Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges), looks into his father’s disappearance and finds himself pulled into the same world of fierce programs and gladiatorial games where his father has been living for 25 years. Along with Kevin’s loyal confidant (Olivia Wilde), father and son embark on a life-and-death journey across a visually-stunning cyber universe that has become far more advanced and exceedingly dangerous.”

My worry is that Tron Legacy will fit into the banal category of style sans substance that we’ve grown all too familiar with. Something that is offered up in IMAX and 3D so as to appease us. But one can hope, despite all the facts lined up against it. Lets just pray that the sequel to a movie we all know and love doesn’t prove to be yet another colorful disappointment.

Katyń

(DVD)

Andrzej Wajda, recipient of an honorary Academy Award, releases Katyń. Nominated for Best Foreign Language Film in 2007, Katyń is the story of the Katyń Forrest Massacre during WWII. Thousands of Polish military officers, policemen, intellectuals and civilian prisoners of war were brutally murdered by Soviet NKVD. Katyń is not only historically abominable, but personally as well — as Andrzej Wajda’s own father was one of these murdered intellectuals.

Rating: A

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 25th Anniversary Film Collection

(DVD and Blu-ray)

This box-set contains all four TMNT movies (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Secret Of The Ooze, Turtles in Time, and TMNT), as well as a collector’s tin and four cloth turtle masks.

Nerd Rage: While the cloth masks are a pretty sweet gimmick, the collection lacks the special features one would really want in an anniversary release. Where is the “Coming Out of Their Shells” Tour? Or the Barbara Walters Interview? How about Behind the Shell: The Making Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles documentary? Ninja Turtles: The Next Mutation? Or this Un-aired Pilot? Or the old anti-drug commercial? Maybe the numerous TMNT toy commercials? Or even this Ninja Turtles/Power Rangers Cross-over Episode of Power Rangers In Space? … I think I’ve made my point.

Rating: B-

Super Friends: The Lost Episodes

(DVD )

Contains 24 Never-Before-Aired episodes of the 1983 Hanna-Barbera Cartoon. Also comes with 2 bonus download-able PDF format DC comics.

Nerd Rage: Doesn’t contain ALL of the Lost Episodes, only a plurality.

Rating: B

Other Notable Blu-ray Releases: I Love You, Man, The Ninth Gate, St. Elmo’s Fire, Monsters, Inc., Starman, & Gershwin: Rhapsody in Blue

Other Notable DVD Releases: I Love You, Man, DJ Spooky and Matthew Shipp Trio, & Sugar Hill Gang: Hip Hop Anniversary Europe Tour

And now… The Worst Release of this Glorious Tuesday:

Zorro: Generation Z – Volume 2

“Action…adventure…fast motorcycles…a female friend who calls herself The Scarlet Whip…and one of the most enduring and legendary heroes of all time! Diego de la Vega is a modern-day young man starting his first year of college. A descendant of past Zorros, he feels compelled to pick up the mantle of his ancestors when the city of his birth grows increasingly corrupt. Being a modern Zorro means no longer riding a horse. Instead, Zorro fights crime on a very cool purple motorcycle called the Tornado-Z with crime-fighting tools that include a Z-Pod, Z-Phone and other surprises. This is the ZORRO FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM!”

Click here to view the embedded video.

And that about wraps up this Glorious Tuesday. I hope you feel revitalized, I know I do. See you next week.

*Spoiler Alert!* Important plot points may be revealed.

Hurt Locker is probably the best Iraq war film to date, and one of the best modern day war films. Right alongside movies like Blackhawk Down, the city and pedestrian surroundings are incredibly spot-on and serve as one of the most important characters in the film. You can feel the city closing in around the soldiers as pedestrians and spectators watch from windows and out from behind shadows as the soldiers attempt to diffuse bomb after bomb. The predicament of keeping peace, without killing innocent civilians becomes a constant threat, and a frustrating one as it seems to time and time again to give the enemy the upper hand.

We find as we come to know the main character William James, that like him, the film is torn between two competing sides: one – that war is terrible, senseless, unnecessary, and the other – that it is exciting, empowering, liberating. The Hurt Locker’s opening quote centers on “…war is a drug…”, an excerpt from Chris Hedges’, War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning. At times the movie seems very much like an army propaganda film, but this may be only because the movie’s central theme does not sink heavy into the horrors of war, or become too indulgent in our sympathy’s for the torn and distraught. For James, war gives him a purpose that far exceeds the importance, or thrill, of shopping with his baby son, and ex wife for groceries.

In one of the eeriest scenes, a U.S. soldier is taken away at night by insurgents. His squad desperately follows to save him, catching only glimpses of him as he’s taken away behind corners and down alleys. The unnerving feeling that accompanies those images is not only from great production work, but also because one can’t help but reflect on the real life moments and situations when soldiers were kidnapped, and taken into the night.

In another scene, the squad comes across a group of contract soldiers escorting captured high priority insurgent leaders (the contractor leader played by Ralph Fiennes). At first, it seems as if the contract soldiers are a group of badass commandos, but after they come under fire from a hidden insurgent sniper, it becomes quickly apparent that the army squad is the better trained and most capable of saving all of their butts…well, the ones who survive that is.

This movie serves the soldier, and honors their commitment, courage and sacrifice. The Hurt Locker is a beautiful film that should certainly be considered for Oscar nominations.